I Woke Up This Morning…

I woke up this morning…

with this bizarre motivation to call someone… as if to call them because I had forgot to before i fell asleep last night or something… but… there is no one for me to call. I mean really… no one at all. I’m already here in ohio, so theres no need to call my grandparents or my dad, I haven’t seen any of my old friends yet, just a few acquaintances.. It’s odd how now that I’m way the hell up here, there is nothing for me to do that involves other people. Normally when I get to feeling this way… this sort of empty loneliness.. that you would think I would be accustomed to by now… I can call up ole grammy n papaw or see if dad is around the house… or maybe call up Jennifer and see whether shes around town and maybe smoke each other out… or I can hit up my roommate/best friend and go buy a bottle or a case or something and just get tore down… Hell, I’ve got a 4pack of Spark, a bottle of Kahlua in the nifty light up tin, and… the best… a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 Banana Red Death Flavor…

I’m saving that one special for when I get a few moments alone… haha, maybe I’ll talk about my philosophy on Mad Dog 2020 some other time… anyway, my point is, I’ve got all this shit in my car that I would normally not have any problems spreading around with friends and having a good time, it’s just between the 43621463246 fucking tons of snow that has me immobilized at the moment, and the fact that most of my old friends were just as smart as I was to get the fuck out of this miserable town and STAY away, I am getting a bit depressed. Well… there are other things that are weighing my spirit down as well, but in a nutshell, I’ve never felt more alone and out of place quite possibly in my life.

I mean fuck man…

I have my moments don’t get me wrong, but I practically feel like having an emotional break down at the drop of a hat… I hold it together though. I was trained to as a kid and I’ve really got no choice. Besides, what would you think if you saw some guy start losing it at the gas station or something? I know its cliche, but I’m definitely feeling my Manic Depressive tendencies coming out… It’s a little known fact that I too have been “diagnosed” manic depressive as millions of other “teens” have, and I had indeed lost it a few times back in high school… Lithium… was the cure they prescribed me. That shit made me so perfect I hated myself. I was on time to everything, I went to class every day, I practically quit smoking cigarettes… I wasn’t ready to be that guy I guess. I ended up having a pair of break downs that ultimately changed my life, for better or worse… I guess we’ll never know… however… being a HUGE Nirvana fan that I was growing up, pre-“post-Kurt” era and all, I never had a better understanding of the song Lithium, until I had gotten off the shit and really soaked in the emotional Ferris Wheel that song capture better than other of poem, paragraph, movie, or song… The chorus NAILS how it is to be on Lithium, the idea is to be “normal and stable”, but I began to hate everything and most of all myself for boring one of the sheep… the way your mind tries to battle the breakdown, yet your thoughts just do donuts around and around in your mind, swaying one direction to the next.

I like it I’m not gunna crack, I love you im not gunna crack, i miss you im not gunna crack, I killed you I’m not gunna…..

crack…

The countdown has begun, only 10 hours until the annual Christmas festivities are going to begin here at the big house house on the hill in Millville Ohio… We have our own vocabulary around here… baked butaytah, sevumuclock, warsh them pants, and so on and so on… But don’t think they are stupid… ignorant maybe… but stupid… no… for they all drive trucks, some of them with 4-wheel drive.

-Sigh-

I’d be pretty sweet if they made a 4WD Volkswagen Bettle right? haha, 4WD Turbo… I dunno if thats ever been done before… I might need the optional snow plow and studded tires too… I feel better… I got that off my chest I know it’s not exactly happy cheery stuff to talk about on christmas eve, but… maybe this is exactly what I need… to see my family, or whats left of it I guess, and try to spend some real bonding time with them all. They are all great and wonderful people with flaws as deep as my own, if I ever needed something bad enough to ask them, they would probably help me as much as they could. To me, that is what family is all about… thats what Christmas is all about. So, Merry Christmas!

 

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