Some time ago, at the start of 2005 I wrote what I consider my thesis on the personal evolution of myspaceFamous as a human… as a man.

I gave it a name…

“The Pizza Man Experiment”

I’ve found a lot of comfort in having the personal awareness to rise above my own discord for society and stereotyping others.  I have been proud to hold true to the idea that all people are essentially good and want whats best for those around them.

Since writing such powerful ideas down, I have enabled myself to look harder into what it is that is missing from my life, and what it is that lies at the roots of my imbalance.  After spending the time and energy to consider all things pertinent and focusing on origins rather than destinations, I’ve concluded The Pizza Man Experiment with many new revelations.

Some of them have literally taken place overnight.

While I remain completely baffled and confused as to how to manage the intense emotions that I feel and the overwhelming desires I have to express myself, I can say that I am closer…

I am closer to inner peace.

In The Pizza Man Experiment I spell out the flaws of the mentality I possessed, knowing that the path I was on was errant and forsaken.  I reached deep in myself, admitting my flaws and the shortcomings I had without specifics…  but they are obvious, even on the surface.  I beamed at the principle of enlightenment… to understand why the negative consequences of others were only as negative as I allowed them to be.

Friends…

I have discovered a better way.

 

Namaste’

Long before I last fell in love, long before I could let go of the pressures I’m under, long before I could find my true self inside, I wrote of this idea… this mentality that I am but a grain of sand amongst my equals and the desire to be more revered by my peers.  I would entertain the idea that my life has a higher importance based on the amount of passion I have for life, that I am above those that are not as fast paced and driven…

damn

I’m so full of myself sometimes.

Even then I knew my perception was skewed, I had realized it eons ago, yet had done nothing to change the direction my overall aura had taken outside of attempting to justify my actions…  but coming up empty for any valid reason.

After all…

we are our own worst enemy.

This is where it falls apart, this is where it all comes crashing down on me.

In the midst of all my pain and angst from this recent travesty and heartbreak, I have been moved to improve upon myself.  I believe that I am a good guy, and that I loved someone with every fiber of my being…

and simply put

I just wasn’t enough.

I couldn’t live up to the standard and expectation that was demanded of me, despite my pleas for acceptance and understanding.  I continue to carry a torch for this love that I thought to be so pure… so true…

but I was misunderstood.

I could always look at it like I had not done enough to show my true feelings, and express to her how much I loved her and all the reasons why…  to express to her what I valued from her love…

But I’d be lying to myself.

Because there wasn’t a day that went by that I have ever tried to kid myself as to how I feel.

I’m not confused anymore.

I know what I want.

And I know what I have when I’ve got it.

While I’ve never been under more stress in my entire life, I manage it better than I ever have.  This is a very recent development for me.

I believe a lot of it is to have a sense of Pride,

and be able to let it go.

While I can’t say that I have been able to achieve these milestones in my personal development without error, I can say that I have no problems admitting my mistakes anymore.

It was a mistake for me to retaliate and say hurtful shit in response to having my feelings hurt.

It’s vindictive behavior.

It was a mistake for me to be jealous over someone else being held in a regard that I want all to myself.

It’s both selfish and foolish to think that you can satisfy someone’s needs for human interaction single-handedly.

It was a mistake to let my anger consume me and get the best of me to the point that I couldn’t manage it without diffusing a hostile situation.  Even if I tried everything I could to walk away.  If someone else is going to be small, I have to stand taller, and remain the bigger person.

A PRICELESS lesson learned.

I should have walked away long before it would ever get to that point.  Someone who pushes you to lose your head without remorse is not someone special enough to hold on to.

I’ve always tried to see where I fucked up, where my flaws and actions affected me and the those that I love… yet its not like it used to be.  Before, I was weak and pathetic and fragile, I would crumble at the thought of not having that special place in someones heart anymore…

because man…

once you feel the Mutual Love and passion of another, there is no going back.

You are giving a part of your soul to this creature that you’ve connected with, and the bonds that you share will never dissipate, and never waiver.

I have loved many times;

there are pieces of me everywhere.

But rather than sulk and sob about how “she doesn’t love me anymore!” I can now look above the present tense.  I’m not going to spend anymore time kicking myself for “losing something special”.  I’m honest about how I feel, and that’s more than you will get from a lot of people in a situation like this.

I continue to maintain a post breakup pseudo-friendship with a girl that I once considered worthy of mothering my future children…  something I’ve never been able to accomplish before.  And I kind of like it…

Yea… it drives me insane and it hurts like hell at the thought of being trapped in “the friend zone” by a person that I’ve never felt more complete… more RIGHT with… and to hear her speak of the dangers of seeing each other date someone new…  It twists my guts to think that she is capable of so much as holding another mans hand in my presence after the love we once shared…

but then again.

I also see it for what it truly is.

She doesn’t understand what it is that I gave her, and perhaps she never will.

For her sake…. I hope she never does.

If I were to lie in bed thinking about a love as strong and pure as the love I felt for this girl, I would bawl myself to sleep every night realizing that I lost the opportunity to share in something as beautiful as what we had together because I was too blind and stubborn to realize….

This doesn’t happen for everyone.

This is special.

This is rare.

The fact of the matter is, I am one hell of a lover…  I cannot blame myself if someone else isn’t able to comprehend the depths of my passion and what it is that I am offering.

Maybe I’m full of myself, maybe I need a reality check, Maybe I’m just too much for someone who hasn’t learned to appreciate the potential I possess with someone I love…

Maybe I’m just too good for you.

I could have it backwards I suppose… but look at the events that have taken place,

look at the facts that cannot be disputed.

Look at who has the open mind and the open heart.

It’s all a matter of perception.

I have to find a balance in my life; I have to find peace within to get over this, to make it a livable memory.

Watching her move on… watching her let go…
It will show me that it’s nothing worth holding on to.

Watching her search for something “less than”, will help me get past this.  It will show me that she is still only learning to love, and that when I find someone to love me on a level that she wasn’t able to grasp, I’ll be vindicated.  I hate the idea of moving backwards, and so I hold on the these prestine ideals that we are still capable of making this thing work now that we have made LEAPS and BOUNDS in understanding one another now that the smoke has began to clear.

When she and I began dating, we went through a tough spot due to her relationship with her ex.  She wanted to be his friend, and he still had it in his mind that he was the only one for her…

perhaps then… but that changed.

As the tension built from the 2 of them having this relationship shared, she realized something… she came to a conclusion all on her own.

The he loved her for her, “The Core Me” she called it.

And she was convinced that he was the only one that ever had loved her on that level up to that point.

Funny…

because the moment I got to know her, that’s exactly what happened to me.

I fell HEAD OVER HEELS in love with the core person that I had been drawn to from the moment I shared the same airspace with her…

sometimes…

you just know.

I expressed it to her in subtle ways, ways that I thought she understood… looks…  rubbing noses…. timing….  grazing lips of a kiss… deep gazes and gigantic cheesy smiles…  palms touching… fingers interlocking… body caressing… the passionate movements of our bodies pressed together…  reading each others desires… feeling exactly what the other wants… through the gentle whispers… even silences…..

I felt it.

And she did too.

Passion…….

“How do you do this to me?”

This love is real.

That is how I did it.

You were just too blind to see it.  You haven’t ever had to walk away from something so special before.

you don’t know what you have,

not until its gone.

I hope that she is happy, I really do. I hope there is a guy out there better for her than I ever could be.

You Know Why?

Because that means that there is Balance, and there is hope.

There is Namaste’.

Ultimately, this is The Pizza Man Experiment Conclusion.

And there is someone lucky enough to have my adoration…

someone who will have nothing left to desire in a lover, because she realizes what I am capable of… of what I am offering to her.

My Soul Mate.

She needs to live her life before she can realize anything of the sort, and maybe even then she won’t ever grasp the concept…

I thought she was it… the weird empathetic sensations that we shared with each other, the way when she was in trouble I could tell a disturbance in my own life force…  the way we could finish each others thoughts… the way I can understand how she feels and answer my own questions that I have about her motives just by watching her speak.  Listening….

But she is hard and cold.  Mostly just towards the ideal of having intimacy with me ever again, but it’s deeper than that.

Not once did she ask me why I am not working today.  Since we have been apart, not once did she ask how I’m doing with all this, not once did she care to hear about what I go through in a days work…  but shes all about telling me about her day…

It wasnt until our relationship was over that she shared any apathy for me and the work that I do.  It was over the stress in my back and shoulders, from lifting and climbing 80 lbs ladders and crawling through tight places to new wires… she always whined about how stressful her day was… and I just sat and listened… thinking how she doesn’t understand what I go through… but I loved her anyway.

It was still a small victory for me, it was a moment that I couldn’t help but to pause during and let my enormous grin shine on its own for a moment

Even if it is over… it just felt good to hear her finally say it.

Whether or not she had felt that way for some time, the fact is, she said it, and it hit home with me.  She put it in terms that were POSSIBLE to understand.  Even by my dumb ass.

Not once did she talk to me about her ideas and feelings about her life and her future without me provoking such subject matter, not once did she ever take initiative to speak of herself on a more personal basis, the feelings behind the walls shes fortified beneath…

Not once did I ever imagine the truth would turn out this way.

She is not who I thought she was.

It kills me…. but now that I know shes not what I thought she was… I’m thankful for that.

because that only tells me, that the best is yet to come.

The timing of my new found enlightenment is perfect myspaceFamous fashion, I find myself growing the most in the most painful moments I experience.  Not only have I become more aware of others and the reasons they have for being a seemingly negative force in my existence, but why I fight so many battles with myself in the first place.

Namaste’

to respect the inner being of others and find balance with one another in this shared universe.

Everyone can interpret it differently, that’s the beauty of Yoga Sutras – you take from it what you need, it becomes what you need, and it changes with your needs.

It’s an understanding of an idea of humanity… not a definition of a word or a rigid set of rules to follow.

That fits me so perfectly.

How cool is that?!

And So…

Given what I have learned in the last 2 plus years of my Pizza Man Experiment, I have concluded that in order for me to achieve the place I want for myself in this world, I have to get there just for me.

No more trying to make others happy at my own expense, no more telling others what they want to hear, no more trying to convince others of my perspective.

it’s take it or leave it.

I don’t have to fight in order to work at something.

I don’t have to stress out about things to show that I care.

I don’t have to explain myself to someone that understands me.

I don’t have to feel like no matter how many times I say something, it’s never going to get heard.

Anything worth while is not going to be easy, and yet just because its easy, doesn’t mean its not wonderful.

I had the pleasure of experiencing my first Yoga class yesterday; needless to say, I have never been more enthusiastic about my life and the directions I see myself taking.  I think I have been missing this very element from life that I find in Yoga thus far… the desire to improve needs something to attach itself to… something to adhere to so that you have a reference of your progress.

Funny…

that sounds a lot like the Blogs I write.

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