I’m Going After It

So… as I am stuck between gears at the moment, I’m trying to collect myself and focus on what is best for me on two different levels:

 

The Here And Now:  How can I get back on my feet financially and become stable again, while continuing to improve upon myself as a person…

 

and

 

The Long Term:  How can I work on the higher goals I have of getting my Master’s Degree or even Doctorate from a University (preferably with in-state tuition), while living in a desirable circumstances with free time to LIVE LIFE and not just be a slave to the dollar.

 

What I want to do is attend a “dual accredited” college that can take my existing Bachelor Degree, and further my education by upgrading to a Master’s Degree that is recognized by the same Accreditation authority recognized by the State so that I don’t have to start completely from scratch when I finally do get into the University, or even the lesser known Community Colleges.

 

So somewhere along the lines… someone had brought up the BEST piece conversation I’ve heard in a very… very long time.  I believe it was my grandmother that said something about working for a school can often have the benefit of “free classes”. 

 

Brilliant!

 

Not only could I finally start building my professional resume again FOR REAL, but I can take classes for free as well!

 

KICK ASS!

 

I did some research and found that one of the top State Universities has many open positions that I’m qualified for, and they offer up to 6 free credit hours per semester while employed.   It was then that I finally realized, if I want to live out my dreams and desires, I’ve got to MAKE MY MOVE.  I’m gearing up for some big changes… while I can’t tell you how in the HELL I’m going to make it work just yet… I can say this.

 

I’ll make it work, I’ll find a way.

 

I’ll have my dreams fulfilled.

 

There’s not a doubt in my mind.

 

I’ve got some things I want to straighten up in my life at the moment, and I need a more stable living arrangement than what I am currently living in.  I am being realistic, but also picky…  I don’t want a job that I will HATE, but honestly I would probably take a job as a groundskeeper for a University that pays $8 an hour if I thought I could live off that and take classes.  After all, it’s only a means to an end, and not something that would be forever.

 

Being the Pizza Man has run it’s course with me… just like being a computer guy, and a cable guy…  I just don’t feel “right” wearing those hats any longer.  I’m a changed man, I have evolved.  While I have plenty of trade skills that I can fall back on if I ever need to make money, like pizza… like cable… like computers… even like bartending…  those opportunities will ALWAYS exist. 

 

But it’s not what I see for myself… 

 

This is not the manifestation of my dreams…

 

I don’t know what happened…

 

But somewhere along the line…

 

 

I lost my way.

 

 

I wanted to get myself a house down here in “The Dirty South” for years now…  but I’ve had the bullshit from my past in “The Midwest” constantly haunting me and my credit report.

 

For over three years now, I have been KILLING myself to work towards my goals of making money on the house I was left when my mother passed away…  and buying something for myself here, hundreds of miles away.

 

That my friends… is a complete failure.

 

The only thing left to do now, is watch the mortgage company sell the house in a Sheriff’s auction… for even less money than the offers I’ve had to buy it from me.

 

Sometime near the end of the year the wait for my day in court will be over…  My lawyers and I will attempt to defend myself against the civil suit my mother’s widower filed against me for the $20,000 in debt against the house the bank is going after HIM for, because it’s in HIS name, and HIS credit.

 

So…  after that….  The idea of “credit” being an option, will be even MORE difficult for myself.  

 

But at least it will FINALLY be over.

 

By that time, I want to be on my way…  I want to have direction in my life again.  I want a FAR more clear and obvious path to my desires and dreams.

 

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes of a dead dream, I want this ending to be my new beginning.

 

In many ways… it already is.

 

 

Yet…  that fact this remains…

 

 

I lost my way.

 

 

When I was in High School, I had no dreams, I had no future in mind for myself…  I was completely consumed with my own self, and my life…  The life I was trying to make work by my own rules, and limited positive influence.  I was ate up in my own head with the DUMBEST shit.  I constantly felt worthless and meaningless, no matter how much people told me otherwise, I always felt like I had to PROVE the haters WRONG by RISING ABOVE ADVERSITY, and accomplishing my goals.  I don’t re-call many times that I received any other opinions, it was usually negative, with the one exception…

 

My Mother

 

It was always: “You’ll never make it.” “It’ll never work.” “You can’t.” “You won’t.” from everyone else… 

 

Yet Mom had a way of being so passionate in her speech…

 

“You can do anything, Bubby-Roo.”

 

She thought so highly of me… she thought I was going to be some kind of rocket scientist… she always had such faith in my intelligence and my ambition.  I will always appreciate her for that.

 

I was extremely fragile and sensitive…  the way my surroundings would gauge your worth would be through physical activities, like sports, manual labor, talents like singing or playing a musical instrument, perhaps displaying skills in a arts like music, painting, drawing, or even sculpting, with bonus points for woodworking.

 

I have never been particularly good at any sport; this was reinforced over and over again for years by my father signing me up for a variety of activities…  This is where I believe I became aware of how people act when they are talking poorly about me.

 

I used to ride my BMX bike a lot… but never learned more than I needed to just get around town by hopping up and down stairs, jumping over puddles, high street curbs and the like.  I did learn how to ride with no hands when my tires and rims are “correct”, but my peers were always doing wheelies, endo’s, SUPER JUMPS, riding backwards, and doing other freestyle tricks, and let’s not forget, RACING.

 

I never did have much artistic encouragement… but I have had a hidden desire to discover that part of me… the abstract ideas inside me… to use extra-sensory art to invoke a variety of the human senses… to be understood in a way that’s unexplainable, yet…

 

Undeniable.

 

When I attempted to play electric guitar as a kid, my dad HATED the music I liked, Metallica, MegaDeth, Nirvana, Iron Maiden, White Zombie, HA!  He hated anything that had a remote inclination of “evil” in the eyes of the Methodist Church of Millvillage, “Midwest”.

 

All 2 stop lights of it.

 

I found it hard to play what I wanted to, and it became more appealing to just LISTEN to the music out of his ear shot, then it did to practice it in earshot.  Once I got my drivers license, I pretty much abandoned my guitar.  I no longer HAD to stay at dad’s house, in fact, I longer HAD to stay at MY house.

 

I was ROLLIN’ baby…

 

Still am.

 

I never did excel much in art, I didn’t have the clean drawing styles of many others that were deemed, REALLY GOOD by everyone, and my painting skills have been limited to finger paintings from elementary school, and rolling on latex based enamel on the walls of some of the places I’ve lived in.

 

Dad and I had a rocky relationship, and my mother would drive her men insane until they just couldn’t take her anymore, or they crossed some kind of line within their relationship.  My relationship with those that could have exposed me to working with wood, and using hand tools and such was not something I ever dreamed I would have appreciated.  Sure, dad showed me a little… he is AWESOME with wood… and just about ANY kind of task that requires a mechanical inclination. Yet, by then I was into the circuit boards that my first step-dad brought home from his job in the Communications Industry and Phone Companies and video games.  Dad had issues with that…

 

I’ve just gone through an entire list of reasons why I am not a “better person”, but there are countless reasons why I AM that better person… they just didn’t seem to matter back then.

 

The fact that I was able to make better decisions that my own mother, and take care of myself… how to occupy my own time…  to learn how to talk to people in ways that were required for the situation…  the little intangibles of life really. 

 

The types of things that kids aren’t supposed to know…

 

I really didn’t do a very good job at any of these things… haha, because I was learning them on my OWN at ages of 7 to 15.  I just wasn’t equipped for it…

 

I am now.

 

I have to admit it to myself…

 

I lost a lot of my ambition when my mother died…

 

All the circumstances surrounding it all… and the responsibilities that I had thrown upon me JUST as I was getting my OWN life started. 

 

I was crushed.

 

I’ve never been floored like that… nor will I ever be again.

 

I lost the one person that I felt that would always be there for me… the person that I had the strongest bond with…

 

Someone completely irreplaceable on SO many levels…

 

For so many years, I admired her drive and ambition, yet towards the end of her days, I let angry and spite rule me during our interactions.  She knew JUST what to say to get to me… and just what to say to “right my ship” and get me back together…

 

She was my rock… I found myself talking to her almost as much as I spoke with the girlfriend I had at the time… trying SO HARD to be rational and reasonable when I felt that she wasn’t.  I spent HOURS and HOURS trying my DAMNEDEST to convince her of something that was completely inconsequential… 

 

Hm…  Sounds a lot like my interactions in my past relationships…

 

The loss of her took a lot out of me… and in many ways it still does.

 

She wasn’t exactly “right” when she left me the mess she did… but I felt obligated to fulfill her final wishes, regardless of what they were.  I felt like it was my duty to her…  and if I didn’t then I would be forever dishonoring her memory, and leaving her final wishes unfulfilled.  I just couldn’t bear that kind of burden… that deep sense of FAILURE.

 

I was going to make the house she left to me work… regardless of how FUCKED UP the whole situation was…

 

I was going to find a way.

 

Well…  the real estate market interest rate percentages dropped even more… and the value of the house saw a brief spike, so I tried to sell… but no one was buying.  No one in Hamilton, “Midwest” wanted to pay full price for a house that old, regardless of its condition or its neighborhood…  I was still stuck.

 

A few more months pass… and the bottom finally drops out of the market, the house that was once appraised for $112,000 was now on the market for sale at $90,000 not even a year later.  The best offer I’ve had on it for a long time has been $75,000 cash.  The mortgage company scoffed at the offer, and denied my request for a “short sale”.  They may get $60,000 from a Sheriff’s auction… if they are lucky.  There are literally PAGES of foreclosures in the “Midwest town newspaper” every week that are going to auction.

 

When I had to either show up in court for a court date resulting from my former step-father suing me…  I made the decision that I was going to scrape up every nickel I had to find an attorney to defend me… and just let the house payments start falling behind and PRAY that it would sell before it was foreclosed on.

 

I’m still waiting for them to sell it in a Sheriffs Auction any day now.

 

I’m still waiting on a court date for my “trial” for the civil suit.

 

Waiting…. Waiting…. Waiting…

 

Fuck waiting.

 

I’ve lost too much time off my life over this bullshit.

 

My time is now, and it is priceless…  More and more so each and everyday that passes.

 

I’m in a strange place right now…  I am single, I in debt up to my eyeballs, and I have no solid future in front of me… no defined goals outside of getting my OWN apartment again, and getting back into school.  These goals are easily obtained with the right job… so I have been very focused on searching for “my perfect fit” in the workplace with my skill set and experience.

 

But what else?  That’s not all there is to it.  There is so much more to be discovered…  so much more that I want out of life. 

 

What’s my motivation?

 

Even if this bartending thing works out for me, it’s not the end-all to my problems.  The fact still remains that I have a Bachelor of Science Degree yet I have two minimum wage jobs that are supplemented by tips.

 

The fact that I’m in a new and uncomfortable phase of life tells me… that I must be doing SOMETHING right.  Because I’m not doing the SAME things that I’ve done before that haven’t worked.  I have no way of knowing whether I’m making the right choices… but at least I know they aren’t wrong even before I begin. 

 

Bare with me.

 

I want more.  I want something else for myself…

 

I’m Going After It.

 

 

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