From time to time, I change the face and content of my profile page…
and I post the old one into a blog before I do it. I usually accompany the old blog with a little piece about where I am in this moment… such as I am doing now.
I do this to give myself a “checkpoint” to be able to look back into my old blogs and see where I’ve come from, where I’ve been,
and with any luck…
how far I’ve come.
But wait…
is “traveling far” necessarily always moving to a better place?
I’m afraid it’s not.
I take a look at the effed up MESS that my page has become over the past 9 months or so, and I am at a loss as to exactly how I got to this place I’m in right now.
Truth be told…
I’ve seen much better days.
Summertime has always been historically rough for me, particularly towards the end… yet I strongly believe that you have to break old patterns and STEP UP in situations where you feel hopeless… listless… empty…
and numb.
If this were a multiple choice exam… I’m afraid I’d have to check all the above.
I’ve fallen into a deep funk these last few months, I think it actually started about March, but slowly and steadily declining ever since.
Before, I was working out 3-4 times a week; I was making good money at work 35-45 hours a week instead of this crazy 40-60 hours a week rollercoaster I’ve been on lately… I’ve been doing some things that I had quit doing for years because I was disciplined enough to stop after I realized they were bad for me, I’ve been erratic with my personal health and somewhat introverted, despite my peppered adventures with friends and colleagues.
I keep this smile on my face… because sometimes, it’s easier than dealing with the pain…
and It’s a pretty big smile if I do say so myself.
I keep using the word I, and me, and my… and it is getting old being inside my own head all the time, not having the capacity to deal with my own crap, let alone stop and think about other people and their troubles, their triumphs and perspective..
and I feel a deep sense of guilt over that…
because the fact is… I am acting out the very DEFINITION of stupidity.
“Ignorance is not knowing, Stupidity is knowing better, but doing it anyway.”
All in all I have a great sense of what I need, and what’s good for me, yet I can’t seem to bring my vibrations to those levels. I’ve trapped myself in this mess, stuck on petty bullshit and trivial issues that keep me bound and blindfolded from the beauty that life is… and it’s smothering the wonderful light I have to show this world.
I realize these things…
yet I don’t ACT, I don’t EMPOWER myself with these great opportunities around me…
and I get down on myself.
I want to be in a better place… but I don’t do what it takes to get there…
at least… I haven’t been.
I look back and think, “How did I get to these great places I once was?”
How did I get to Bonnaroo? How did I get to Mexico? How did I get to speak at my Uncle’s funeral? How did I get to stand up to those which douse my flames? How did I get to Ultra? How did I get the concepts for Electronic Design? How did I get to be so popular?
What ever it was… it’s not here now.
Some places you can just jump in your car and drive too, other places you have to FLY.
That’s not to say I don’t have Lift Off every now and then while I drive…
-grin-
But when I have these days… where I have the next few days off work with nothing that I absolutely MUST do other than maybe some laundry and grocery shopping… I start getting a bigger better picture of the mess that my life has become… and I realize…
I’m tired.
I’m absolutely exhausted.
I felt this way when I quit doing the “cable man” job, and didn’t have any real steady employment for about 3 months. I recall how worn down I was from being 190% at all times, working 2 full time, VERY physically demanding jobs, sleeping 3 hours a day, eating gas station cuisine and constantly just wanting to burst out into tears because no matter how hard I EVER tried… it was never good enough for anyone.
I came to the realization that it was all my own fault.
It’s not fair to expect others to except less from me just because I don’t have anything left to give them, or I’m not giving them my best. That’s what I had to realize in my last relationship…
Just because I try so hard to be something better…
doesn’t mean its working.
In fact, if you ARE trying THAT hard to please everyone…
including yourself…
You’re not doing something right.
I want change… but where I am right in this moment,
I really don’t know how to get there. I don’t know what approach to take, what mindset to take up, what to devote my unbridled passions into to get me from point SUCK, FEAR, DOUBT, GUILT to point LOVE, PASSION, JOY, CONTENTMENT.
But I’ll find it.
In this place where I am now, it doesn’t have enough bars to keep me in forever.
Moving into this new place, and having new opportunities to generate socially, financially, and culturally,
I have the power to change.
I have the power to inherit all that my surrounding have to offer.
I used the word “Prince” very deliberately when named this entry…
Because a Prince will someday become King.
So here is to Royalty.
Salu’te.
====================================================
myspaceFamous @ FictionOrPity Stops Time’s Blurbs
About me:
There is this thing..
that happens once a year…
Called ULTRA – it’s part of the Winter Music Conference, If you don’t know what that is, it’s a convention of Techno/Dance/Electronica music that will BLOW YOUR MIND!
It will take place in Miami, Florida March 29-30, 2008.
I’ll be there,
having the TIME of my LIFE, dancing like I know how…
you should come too,
it’s going to be unforgettable.
-grin-
I get on MySpace a lot.
I should be doing more constructive things that sitting here on my ass right now,
I’ve got a lot of living to do
What I’m doing with my life
Lovin’ it!
I guess you could say I’m taking a lot of of “Me Time” right now.
A Lot.
The past year of my life have been filled with the kind of memories that will last a lifetime, and have been a continuous struggle of my spirit simultaneously…
But I’m still trying, I’m still learning… I’m making it somewhere.
From going to Mexico for my first international adventure, to Bonnaroo, Langerado, and Ultra music festivals, to seeing old friends I haven’t seen in years, to making new ones… from reconnecting with family, watching my heroes fall and helping pick them back up, to becoming a hero to others… To going back to college for a Masters Degree in Business Administration, to realizing that there are more important things than money…. from realizing my own flaws and changing my ways to better myself and grow…
It’s been an amazing ride, and I look forward to each and everyday of life.
I am truly blessed, and infinitely grateful.
I’m really good at
Talking to people, and making connections. I’m good at other boring dork/geek stuff too…
With that being said… talking about electron flow theory has actually got to be something people want to know or hear about.
That rocks my socks.
I could talk about that for EVER.
Since I’ve posted that statement, I have triggered many very interesting topics and discussions with some awesome people,
keep it coming.
I can dig it.
The first thing(s) people usually notice about me
My Smile, and my hair…
sometimes my massive bulge in my pants.
My favorite books(A), movies(B), music(C), and food(D)
(A) Great Expectations, Anything Mark Twain, Philosophy / Spirituality / Art of Living Type Books, Nintendo Power!
(B) Requiem Of A Dream, Desperado, Clerks II, Snatch, Crank, Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, Dodgeball, Momento, Boondock Saints, Four Rooms, Kill Bill (I and II), 50 First Dates, many many more…
(C) Pearl Jam, The Beatles, Rage Against the Machine, The John Butler Trio, Jack Johnson, Soundgarden, Nirvana, Metallica, Cake, Jet, Bush, DJ Sasha, John Digweed, techno, Gov’t Mule]], Oasis, Pantera, MegaDeth, Kid Rock, Eminem, Staind, Sublime, Guns ‘N’ Roses, Squirrel Nut Zippers, Dirty Vegas, Rabbit in the Moon, Black Crowes, Sheryl Crow, Stabbing Westward, Radiohead, Los Lobos, Carlos Santana, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Filter, Army Of Anyone, The White Stripes, Tool, Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals, Audioslave, many many many others…
(D) Pasta, Pizza, Chicken!, STEAK!, ALL fruits, MOST Veggies, YUM! Now I’m all hungry… The six things I could never do without My Car (VW for life!), Cell Phone, My 2 Cats, High Speed Internet, (Quality) Hair Conditioner, and really (really really really) loud Stereo.
Something personal about me
In the past few years…
I’ve learned I CAN do without SEX!
Go me…
Well… I mean… I CAN…
but I COULD jam a fork into my eyeball and eat it too…
It’s all a matter of what you WANT to do and what you don’t.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
How awesome life really is.
How to keep this train on it’s tracks.
How to get better at living life.
How much I LOVE my car…
I went to my first big outdoor concert festival that took place somewhere in the sticks of Tennessee called Manchester.
It’s called Bonnaroo
I’ll never be the same again.
You should go next year,
It will change your life forever.
It’s guaranteed to be a LOT of fun,
especially if you’re rolling with ME.
I got to hit Langerado 2008 as well, It was an AWESOME Festival held in the Florida Everglades. I saw a plethora of bands that I used to hear as a kid, R.E.M., Beastie Boys, Arrested Development, 311 was there and Ani Difranco too, but I think my fav act of the whole 4 days was Matisyahu, If you don’t know who he is, check him out, he’s INCREDIBLE live.
On a typical Friday night I am If I’m not at work, and usually I am… I’d be partying with friends, or thinking about partying while I’m at work.
If I had a girlfriend, I’m sure she’d be on the top of my mind. (insert joke about “girl on top here”)
how much more do you really need to know about me?
How much more do you really WANT to know about me?
I’ll tell you what…
if you got something you want to know about me,
anything at all…
feel free to ask.
No really,
I’ll tell you.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I am willing to admit that I drive a 2002 Volkswagen Beetle Turbo S,
What makes it private is the fact that I stole it.
You can tell by the manner in which it is driven.
-grin-
I miss it terribly however.. it’s been going through a complete engine overhaul and has been REAAAAAALLLY fucking expen$ive. But I should be back behind the wheel of it sometime in March.
Until then, I’m rockin’ my beater Mazda Protege.
You should message me if
haha
well…
what’s stopping you?
If you want to hang out and be friends, and maybe see where it takes us… that is what I am here for.
Always Keep Moving my friends.
#425669618
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